Overcoming Adversity

Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful.

The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process. (President James E. Faust)

Adversity is a given in life. We will all experience it. It is for this very reason that we are here in this mortal journey - to prove ourselves through our trials and tribulations. During times of adversity, some choose to abandon faith in the Lord. Others choose to remain steadfast and true. They choose to hold fast to their faith and continue to serve the Lord and their fellowmen.

Service is a big part of being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We may be asked to teach Sunday school, conduct music, teach small children, lead the congregation, teach early morning Seminary, help with the Sunday bulletin, or be a visiting teacher. It really doesn't matter where in the Church we're asked to serve. What matters is that we serve to the best of our abilities. What matters is that we use the talents the Lord has blessed us with to serve Him and our fellowmen in whatever capacity we're asked to serve.

I've seen and felt the hand of adversity this year. I've also witnessed an outpouring of blessings through the selfless service of others.

Yesterday, I was released as the Relief Society (women's organization of the Church) president in our ward (local Church unit). This basically means that as of yesterday, I'm no longer the Relief Society president for our ward. A release from a calling in the Church usually comes about when one is being called to serve somewhere else, is moving out of the ward, when personal or family circumstances change, or it might simply be time to give someone else an opportunity to serve in that position. We're moving back to the West Coast in a week!

As the Relief Society president, I came to love each of the women in the ward. However, there is a special place in my heart for those sisters who experienced great adversity over the past year. Some sisters have serious health related challenges. Others are struggling financially. There are problems in marriages and other family relationships. The list goes on. Each is dealing with trials and adversity in her own way. With faith in the Lord and with help from her sisters in the Relief Society, each sister continues to move forward, one step at a time.

Sometimes, serving and helping someone else does require a lot from us, but I've found that these times are very rare. Most times, it's the small and sincere acts of love that go a long way in easing someone else's load. Often times, it doesn't cost us anything except an hour or two of our time. At times, a smile, a kind word, a true friend, is all that is needed. Someone who will listen and not judge. Someone who understands, who cares, who looks past the shortcomings to the person inside. Someone who is willing to share another's burden, even if it is just for a few minutes.

Alma, a prophet of the Book of Mormon taught us that to become true disciples of Jesus Christ, we must be willing to bear one another's burden.

And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life. (Mosiah 18:8-9)

A wonderful thing happens when we strive to serve and help others during their trials - we forget to dwell on our challenges. Our problems may not disappear completely but somehow our perspective changes. What once seemed insurmountable is not quite so overwhelming. We stop feeling sorry for ourselves.

I'm filled with gratitude for the examples of these sisters. Despite personal trials, these sisters chose to serve and help someone else. They remind me on a constant basis that each of us is our sister's keeper. We are indeed our brothers' keepers!

Selfless service is a wonderful antidote to the ills that flow from the worldwide epidemic of self-indulgence. Some grow bitter or anxious when it seems that not enough attention is being paid to them, when their lives would be so enriched if only they paid more attention to the needs of others.

The answer lies in helping to solve the problems of those around us rather than worrying about our own, living to lift burdens even when we ourselves feel weighed down, putting our shoulder to the wheel instead of complaining that the wagons of life seem to be passing us by.

Stretching our souls in service helps us to rise above our cares, concerns, and challenges. As we focus our energies on lifting the burdens of others, something miraculous happens. Our own burdens diminish. We become happier. There is more substance to our lives.
(Elder David S. Baxter of the Seventy).

I was visiting with two wonderful friends a couple of nights ago. Eventually, our conversation turned to our children and our families. We discussed our dreams and hopes for them. One friend fretted over a teenager who has chosen to drop out of high school to follow some friends. She feels that nothing she says to him is going to make a difference. She's worried that he's made even worse choices. My other friend doesn't have children of her own yet but she is deeply saddened by the path her younger siblings have chosen thus far. We shared regrets over missed opportunities with our children and loved ones - things that we did that we shouldn't have done as well as things that we didn't do that we should have done.

We all have someone in our lives that we worry and pray about from time to time, if not all the time. We despair over a wayward child who disregards all the values and beliefs that we hold dear. We hurt when a sibling appears to go out of their way to ruin their lives. Our hearts cry out for family members or dear friends that have succumbed to addiction of any form.

What can we do? Is there anything more that we can do? If you're like just about everyone I know, you've already tried everything. You've talked to them, counseled with them, reasoned with them, and prayed and fasted for them. You've cried, you've begged, you've threatened, and cried some more. You've sought help from within the family and from without. Perhaps, you've even tried bribery. You've tried it all, everything and anything!

Is it time to give up? No! Never, ever give up!

We still have love. We still have hope. No matter how dark and desperate things may seem, we always have hope, always. A portion of the 13th Article of Faith of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reads, "We follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things." When all else has failed, hang on to hope. Hold on to hope because we really don't know how things will turn out. They may have a change of heart tomorrow, or next month, or next year. Perhaps, a change of heart may never come. But we just don't know that. So, we keep that hope burning bright even if no one else does.

Elder John K. Carmack of the Quorum of the Seventy offered this counsel to parents but it can apply to anyone with a loved one in this situation:

Despite our best efforts to raise children who love the Lord, follow His commandments, and live happy, productive, and healthy lives, our sons and daughters sometimes go astray. Straying can mean involvement in drug abuse, criminal activity, immorality, and even abuse of parents and others. Other forms of drifting, perhaps less serious but nevertheless troubling, include underachieving, dropping out of school, and finding little purpose or happiness in life...

Never Give Up. If you cannot seem to reach your daughter or son now, you can at least keep trying and keep loving him or her, for the very will to reach out, nurture, and extend help to another is an act of love that does not always go unnoticed.

The adversary is cunning. He is everywhere. He is known by many names; Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, the Destroyer, the Deceiver, and the Evil One to name a few. He exists to bring about misery but he cloaks and disguises it so well that he sometimes manages to fool and attract our loved ones. He revels in destroying anything that is good and honorable. He degrades and demoralizes.

Don't give him any more power than he has already taken. If he has triumphed over a loved one, fight back. Don't give him the satisfaction of winning everything, even if the only thing you have left is Hope. Don't quit on your loved ones. Don't let the adversary have that pleasure. Never, ever give up. When it comes to our loved ones, there is no "right" time to give up!

We had the most wonderful surprise yesterday. Yesterday, a dear man chose to come worship with us.

I watched as this brother was embraced and welcomed. One by one, people came over and spoke with him. From where I was sitting, it looked as if expressions of brotherly love were given and received on both sides. The miracle of this event is that this brother had withdrawn from our fellowship a few years ago. He had taken offense over some small matter and would not forgive even when apologies were extended his way. Yesterday, all that appeared forgotten and forgiven. There was only joy!

I'm sure that most of us have taken offense at one point or another in our lives. Justified or not, taking offense can sometimes lead to decisions that hurt us far more than the original words or actions that caused us to be offended in the first place. Often times, when we don't or can't forgive these offenses, we end up with years of sorrow and regret.

One of my dearest friends shared her story with me. She was the oldest daughter so she felt like a second mother to her younger siblings. As can happen with siblings, disagreements over trivial and unimportant things are sometimes blown out of proportion. This is exactly what happened between my friend and a younger sister. Things came to a head, bitter words were exchanged, and the sisters walked away angry and unforgiving.

For over a year, my friend and her sister didn't speak. They avoided family gatherings altogether if the other sister was going to be there. My friend was deeply offended at the apparent disrespect her younger sister had shown her. She expected her younger sister to be the first to apologize. She felt that she was due this much since she was the oldest.

Apparently, the younger sister had a similar reaction. She felt that her older sister had offended her and that she needed an apology. She felt that the older sister should be the one to make the first move since she was the oldest.

My friend remembers this time as the longest and saddest year of her life. They were normally very close and shared a special bond even though they each had their own families by then. It was around Christmas time that year when my friend finally had the courage and humility to go to her sister and ask her for her forgiveness. She recalls that she had barely started apologizing when her sister broke down and embraced her and begged her forgiveness as well.

Both sisters could barely even remember what was so important about the original argument. They had missed out on so much over that year. In that one year, one sister had a son that got married, and the other sister had a daughter that graduated from high school. Choosing to take offense over an insignificant matter consumed their lives for one year, and they paid for it dearly.

Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (informally known as the Mormon religion) have counseled us time and again about taking offense. President Thomas S. Monson, 16th President of the Church, cautioned:
Sometimes we can take offense so easily. On other occasions we are too stubborn to accept a sincere apology. Who will subordinate ego, pride, and hurt — then step forward with “I am truly sorry! Let’s be as we once were: friends. Let’s not pass to future generations the grievances, the anger of our time”?

Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles asked us to choose not to take offense:

When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.

In the grand division of all of God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:13–14). As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice. Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation.

You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended.

My friend was lucky. She and her sister had time to reconcile and be friends and true sisters again. Others have not been so lucky. Some have passed on before taking advantage of the opportunity to forgive and be forgiven. For every happy ending, there is a sad one. For every sister or brother that chooses to forgive the offense, there is one that refuses to accept an apology.

I know what it feels like to be offended. There were even times when I've felt justified in my indignation. I've felt the burden of this weight on my shoulders when I've chosen to hang on to such feelings. On the other hand, I've also felt the blessed peace that comes when I chose to forgive the offense. Without fail, the load of anger and bitterness I've carried around is immediately lifted and taken away from me.

I hope that the next time I'm confronted with a potentially offensive situation I will remember two things: 1) I can choose not to be offended, and 2) I can choose to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Mistakes! We've all made them. Some mistakes are easily corrected, others can take quite a lot of time and effort to fix. I've made my share of mistakes. I will probably make a few more before my time on this earth is through. Big or small, I can honestly say that I've learned from my mistakes. They've made me a better person, a better mother and wife. My mistakes and my journey to overcome those mistakes are as much a part of me as any other attribute that makes me - me.

But what happens when our children make mistakes? Are we as patient or as understanding? Do we forgive? Do we look at it as an opportunity for them to grow, or do we only see the looks that we imagine our neighbors and friends are giving us? Do we view it as a reflection of our abilities (or lack thereof) as parents? Are we somehow threatened by our children's mistakes because of the way it might make us look?

One of the hardest things a parent has to do is watch their children make mistakes. It is hard to stand by and watch your child make bad choices. It's even harder to watch them suffer the consequences of those poor choices.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are taught that each of us is given the gift of agency. Agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much that he allowed us to choose.

And now remember, remember, my brethren, that whosoever perisheth, perisheth unto himself; and whosoever doeth iniquity, doeth it unto himself; for behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free.
He hath given unto you that ye might know good from evil, and he hath given unto you that ye might choose life or death; and ye can do good and be restored unto that which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil, and have that which is evil restored unto you. (Helaman 14:30-31)

He will not force us to obey Him and follow His will. Instead, He gave us the freedom to choose for ourselves. Knowing the pain I feel when I watch my children make mistakes, I can imagine how much more our Heavenly Father hurts when we make mistakes. Yet, as a loving Heavenly Father, His way is not to force, but to guide, to forgive, and to give us chances over and over again.

Can we do any less for our own children? Yes, we'd rather they didn't make some of the mistakes they made. Yes, we wish they had made smarter, better, worthier choices than they made. Yes, we hurt, we're disappointed, sometimes we're even angry. But now is not the time for "I told you so" speeches. Now is the time for love, an outpouring of unconditional love.

As a mother, I need to trust that I've raised my sons the best way I know how. I need to remember that I've taught them the word of God. I need to remember that I've tried in every way I know how, to instill in them a love for everything that is good, virtuous, and praiseworthy. Then, I need to stand back and allow them to exercise their agencies. I will always guide, counsel, and advise, but in the end, it is up to them. I need to acknowledge that they too will make their share of mistakes. When (not if) they fall, I will be there to help them pick up the pieces. When they fall, I will be there to help them find their way back. When they fall, I will forgive them.

President Howard W. Hunter, 14th President of the Church, taught:

To fully understand this gift of agency and its inestimable worth, it is imperative that we understand that God’s chief way of acting is by persuasion and patience and long-suffering, not by coercion and stark confrontation. He acts by gentle solicitation and by sweet enticement. He always acts with unfailing respect for the freedom and independence that we possess. He wants to help us and pleads for the chance to assist us, but he will not do so in violation of our agency. He loves us too much to do that, and doing so would run counter to his divine character.

Given the freedom to choose, we may, in fact, make wrong choices, bad choices, hurtful choices. And sometimes we do just that, but that is where the mission and mercy of Jesus Christ comes into full force and glory. He has taken upon himself the burden of all the world’s risk. He has provided a mediating atonement for the wrong choices we make. He is our advocate with the Father and has paid, in advance, for the faults and foolishness we often see in the exercise of our freedom. We must accept his gift, repent of those mistakes, and follow his commandments in order to take full advantage of this redemption. The offer is always there; the way is always open. We can always, even in our darkest hour and most disastrous errors, look to the Son of God and live.

Don't you just love that? There aren't enough words to express how grateful I am for the gift of the Atonement.

I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and for His gift of Agency. The knowledge that He trusts me so much that He allows me to choose gives me the courage to pick myself up when I've made mistakes. I'm so grateful for a Church that teaches us about the wonderful principle of Agency. I'm thankful because I know that this gift is available to my children as well. It is available to all of us.

This, and other teachings of the Church, gives me eternal hope. I have hope that, whatever mistakes my sons may make, they will make it right. I have hope that when they do mistakes, they will remember that their Heavenly Father will forgive them if they sincerely repent of those mistakes. I have hope that when they fall, they will pick themselves up and try again. I have hope that when they fall, they will learn and grow and become better men because they corrected and overcame their mistakes.

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. (3 Nephi 11:29)

Everyone has differences in opinion, whether tastes, or preferences. That is what gives each person a unique perspective, and there is nothing wrong with that. But in any relationship, be it a friendship, family member, or couple, there must be an agreement made between all parties involved to seek understanding with one another and look beyond those differences.

The goal of the Adversary (Satan) is to place a wedge between the most loving relationships in order to destroy them and create resentment among people. He does this for his own purposes. He attempts to always undermine the foundations that relationships are built upon, which are trust, respect, kindness, compassion, and love. This erosion not only takes its toll on the actual relationships, but on the individuals as well.

Sometimes, it is very hard to notice that a contentious spirit is even present until we find ourselves in an argument with someone else over the most mundane of things. The contentious spirit lingers on when we realize that we are unwilling to give up our position on whatever it is we are arguing about, even when we know that it would be better to just agree to disagree. We would rather believe that we are right and that the other person is in the wrong.

The Adversary, if we let him, plays us right into a battle of words and influences us to believe that there should be a decisive winner, at all costs. When we engage in this kind of battle, we can often lose control over our emotions, making it easier for us to magnify whatever differences we initially had and blowing the argument out of proportion. This can lead to vicious words and hurt feelings that are not easily remedied or forgotten.

And many more things did the people imagine up in their hearts, which were foolish and vain; and they were much disturbed, for Satan did stir them up to do iniquity continually; yea, he did go about spreading rumors and contentions upon all the face of the land, that he might harden the hearts of the people against that which was good and against that which should come.

And notwithstanding the signs and the wonders which were wrought among the people of the Lord, and the many miracles which they did, Satan did get great hold upon the hearts of the people upon all the face of the land. (Hel. 16:22-23)

The previous scripture warns us of the havoc that the Adversary is capable of, if we foster a contentious spirit within our lives. If we approach our relationships with the same compassion that the Savior, Jesus Christ, would have given us, we are better able to resolve our differences in a way that would be more beneficially mutual for everyone. As children of our Heavenly Father, we are all purposefully different. The challenge to everyone is to recognize that those differences are beautiful in their uniqueness, and learn to be gracious. To do so, we must continually strive to seek understanding beyond any differences we encounter, and to live by the example of the unconditional love that the Savior and Heavenly Father has for us.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour...(1 Peter 5:8)

It is time for everybody to awake and be aware that there is an Adversary in our midst. The Adversary I am speaking about has many names and has many layers. He has been known as Lucifer, Satan, and the devil. He has always been around in some form, generations among generations. But, for the people born in our lifetimes, his methods of leading us off the path of spiritual enlightenment towards our Heavenly Father are now more sophisticated and also simplistic. He is ruthless, cunning, diabolical, methodical, and his power comes from preying upon the weaknesses in our mortality. His desire is to erase our free agency for his own purposes. It is important for everyone on earth, no matter what choice of faith they pursue, to be warned that he is out there and is always at work against you, regardless if you believe in him or not.

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (often referred to as Mormons) we learn much about the Pre-Mortal realm and what happened during the War in Heaven. Lucifer, now known as Satan, rebelled against Heavenly Father and was cast out of Heaven, along with one-third of our spirit brothers and spirit sisters who sided with him. Mormons are counseled in the ways to live righteously so that we are better able to defend against his influences, and see clearly the methods that he would use against us. He is the master of deception. Because he knows and remembers us from the Spirit World, he knows certain things about us that he uses to his advantage. Those things may be what we are not aware of ourselves. But as Mormons, we have the opportunity to have the comfort and protection of the Holy Ghost as a constant companion.

Every one of every faith and even unbelievers are able and entitled to receive promptings from the Holy Ghost on occasion, but Mormons receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost as a constant companion upon Baptism into the church. So long as we do our part and are obedient to the teachings of the gospel and counsel of church leaders, the Holy Ghost resides within us. When the Holy Ghost is within us, Satan has no power over us. Having the Holy Ghost as a constant companion allows us to increase our perception of the many ways in which Satan works, and also increases our resistances to his influences. However, we are just as susceptible to his temptations if we choose to ignore the promptings of the Holy Ghost. But the knowledge of the protection that is offered us and the truthfulness of the gospel makes it more difficult for Satan to destroy our agency.

In these times, it seems that Satan is especially fond of using the coercion tactics of popular opinion to increase his foothold on humanity. He leads more and more people away from Heavenly Father through justification and rationalization of sinful behavior.

Elder James E. Faust, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, wrote,

Who has not heard and felt the enticings of the devil? His voice often sounds so reasonable and his message so easy to justify. It is an enticing, intriguing voice with dulcet tones. It is neither hard nor discordant. No one would listen to Satan's voice if it sounded harsh or mean. If the devil's voice were unpleasant, it would not entice people to listen to it.

He further explains that,

Some of Satan's most appealing lines are "Everyone does it"; "If it doesn't hurt anybody else, it's all right"; "If you feel all right about it, it's OK"; or "It's the 'in' thing to do." These subtle entreaties make Satan the great imitator, the master deceiver, the arch counterfeiter, and the great forger. (James E. Faust, "'The Great Imitator'," Ensign, Nov 1987, 33)

Satan is the ultimate Adversary. He lives, just as our Lord, and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, lives. Only, his goal is to make us as miserable as he is. It is important for everyone to be aware and warned that he and his fellow compatriots exist and are at work against us. To have this knowledge will assist in greater control over what the Adversary would throw at you. Those experiences that he would contribute in are those that are unnecessary in our lives and could be avoided altogether. Satan wants us to turn away from Heavenly Father like he did. He wants us for his own purposes. He will employ every method available to him to achieve his misdeeds. But we need not fear him. We can receive power, comfort, and protection from the eternal gospel of Jesus Christ.