Overcoming Adversity

Adversity is the refiner’s fire that bends iron but tempers steel. (President James E. Faust, Ensign February 1988, "The Blessings of Adversity")

These past several weeks have been very challenging ones for our family. For awhile, it felt as if we came through one trial, only to be thrown into the midst of another. The latest and the most devastating to date was the sudden and unexpected death of a dear brother-in-law just two weeks ago.

My brother-in-law was only in his late thirties when he died, still so young and so full of life. My sister and brother-in-law have only been married for four short years. They used to joke that it took them a long to find each other. Like many of us, they were very much in love and looking forward to spending their lives together.

It is understandable that my sister is devastated and is struggling to be strong. She's been dealt a blow that only those who've felt the sting of such a great loss can understand. She is grieving so deeply it is painful for us to witness it because we all feel so helpless.

There are two things that give my sister the strength to get up every day.

First, she has immense faith in our Lord and Savior. She understands His plan of Salvation. She knows that one day she will be reunited with her "eternal flame" (as they referred to each other) for they are bound together for time and eternity.

Second, she has an incredible army of friends and loved ones that have rallied around her. She's felt the comforting arms of friends and family reaching out to her from around the world. It's quite an incredible and uplifting experience to see just how caring and wonderful her friends are towards her. Some of the most touching expressions of love and support came from people she taught and baptized when she served a full time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints over 16 years ago.

Reflecting on this experience, I'm reminded of the prophet Alma's words to his people when he taught them what it truly means to be a disciple of Christ.

And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life— (Mosiah 18:8-9).

Death and dying is part of the cycle of life. We all know and understand this. However, knowing and understanding doesn't make the passing of a loved one any easier or any less painful. For most of us, the separation that comes with death, will be one of the greatest adversities we'll have to face in this life.

How fortunate we are that when such times come, we have true disciples of Christ all around us who will run to our side to help bear our burdens so that we don't have to carry them alone. How lucky we are that when those times come, we have friends and loved ones who will mourn with us, who will comfort us in our time of need.

As her older sister, I'm so grateful to know that my sister is surrounded by loving friends. I'm grateful that my sister is the strong daughter of God that she is. I know that this experience, as devastating as it is, may bend her for a time, but it will not break her.

I'm thankful that we have the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Knowing that families are forever, that her marriage is eternal, is a great blessing and comfort to my sister today and in the many days ahead.

Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful.

The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process. (President James E. Faust)

Adversity is a given in life. We will all experience it. It is for this very reason that we are here in this mortal journey - to prove ourselves through our trials and tribulations. During times of adversity, some choose to abandon faith in the Lord. Others choose to remain steadfast and true. They choose to hold fast to their faith and continue to serve the Lord and their fellowmen.

Service is a big part of being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We may be asked to teach Sunday school, conduct music, teach small children, lead the congregation, teach early morning Seminary, help with the Sunday bulletin, or be a visiting teacher. It really doesn't matter where in the Church we're asked to serve. What matters is that we serve to the best of our abilities. What matters is that we use the talents the Lord has blessed us with to serve Him and our fellowmen in whatever capacity we're asked to serve.

I've seen and felt the hand of adversity this year. I've also witnessed an outpouring of blessings through the selfless service of others.

Yesterday, I was released as the Relief Society (women's organization of the Church) president in our ward (local Church unit). This basically means that as of yesterday, I'm no longer the Relief Society president for our ward. A release from a calling in the Church usually comes about when one is being called to serve somewhere else, is moving out of the ward, when personal or family circumstances change, or it might simply be time to give someone else an opportunity to serve in that position. We're moving back to the West Coast in a week!

As the Relief Society president, I came to love each of the women in the ward. However, there is a special place in my heart for those sisters who experienced great adversity over the past year. Some sisters have serious health related challenges. Others are struggling financially. There are problems in marriages and other family relationships. The list goes on. Each is dealing with trials and adversity in her own way. With faith in the Lord and with help from her sisters in the Relief Society, each sister continues to move forward, one step at a time.

Sometimes, serving and helping someone else does require a lot from us, but I've found that these times are very rare. Most times, it's the small and sincere acts of love that go a long way in easing someone else's load. Often times, it doesn't cost us anything except an hour or two of our time. At times, a smile, a kind word, a true friend, is all that is needed. Someone who will listen and not judge. Someone who understands, who cares, who looks past the shortcomings to the person inside. Someone who is willing to share another's burden, even if it is just for a few minutes.

Alma, a prophet of the Book of Mormon taught us that to become true disciples of Jesus Christ, we must be willing to bear one another's burden.

And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life. (Mosiah 18:8-9)

A wonderful thing happens when we strive to serve and help others during their trials - we forget to dwell on our challenges. Our problems may not disappear completely but somehow our perspective changes. What once seemed insurmountable is not quite so overwhelming. We stop feeling sorry for ourselves.

I'm filled with gratitude for the examples of these sisters. Despite personal trials, these sisters chose to serve and help someone else. They remind me on a constant basis that each of us is our sister's keeper. We are indeed our brothers' keepers!

Selfless service is a wonderful antidote to the ills that flow from the worldwide epidemic of self-indulgence. Some grow bitter or anxious when it seems that not enough attention is being paid to them, when their lives would be so enriched if only they paid more attention to the needs of others.

The answer lies in helping to solve the problems of those around us rather than worrying about our own, living to lift burdens even when we ourselves feel weighed down, putting our shoulder to the wheel instead of complaining that the wagons of life seem to be passing us by.

Stretching our souls in service helps us to rise above our cares, concerns, and challenges. As we focus our energies on lifting the burdens of others, something miraculous happens. Our own burdens diminish. We become happier. There is more substance to our lives.
(Elder David S. Baxter of the Seventy).

I was visiting with two wonderful friends a couple of nights ago. Eventually, our conversation turned to our children and our families. We discussed our dreams and hopes for them. One friend fretted over a teenager who has chosen to drop out of high school to follow some friends. She feels that nothing she says to him is going to make a difference. She's worried that he's made even worse choices. My other friend doesn't have children of her own yet but she is deeply saddened by the path her younger siblings have chosen thus far. We shared regrets over missed opportunities with our children and loved ones - things that we did that we shouldn't have done as well as things that we didn't do that we should have done.

We all have someone in our lives that we worry and pray about from time to time, if not all the time. We despair over a wayward child who disregards all the values and beliefs that we hold dear. We hurt when a sibling appears to go out of their way to ruin their lives. Our hearts cry out for family members or dear friends that have succumbed to addiction of any form.

What can we do? Is there anything more that we can do? If you're like just about everyone I know, you've already tried everything. You've talked to them, counseled with them, reasoned with them, and prayed and fasted for them. You've cried, you've begged, you've threatened, and cried some more. You've sought help from within the family and from without. Perhaps, you've even tried bribery. You've tried it all, everything and anything!

Is it time to give up? No! Never, ever give up!

We still have love. We still have hope. No matter how dark and desperate things may seem, we always have hope, always. A portion of the 13th Article of Faith of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reads, "We follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things." When all else has failed, hang on to hope. Hold on to hope because we really don't know how things will turn out. They may have a change of heart tomorrow, or next month, or next year. Perhaps, a change of heart may never come. But we just don't know that. So, we keep that hope burning bright even if no one else does.

Elder John K. Carmack of the Quorum of the Seventy offered this counsel to parents but it can apply to anyone with a loved one in this situation:

Despite our best efforts to raise children who love the Lord, follow His commandments, and live happy, productive, and healthy lives, our sons and daughters sometimes go astray. Straying can mean involvement in drug abuse, criminal activity, immorality, and even abuse of parents and others. Other forms of drifting, perhaps less serious but nevertheless troubling, include underachieving, dropping out of school, and finding little purpose or happiness in life...

Never Give Up. If you cannot seem to reach your daughter or son now, you can at least keep trying and keep loving him or her, for the very will to reach out, nurture, and extend help to another is an act of love that does not always go unnoticed.

The adversary is cunning. He is everywhere. He is known by many names; Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, the Destroyer, the Deceiver, and the Evil One to name a few. He exists to bring about misery but he cloaks and disguises it so well that he sometimes manages to fool and attract our loved ones. He revels in destroying anything that is good and honorable. He degrades and demoralizes.

Don't give him any more power than he has already taken. If he has triumphed over a loved one, fight back. Don't give him the satisfaction of winning everything, even if the only thing you have left is Hope. Don't quit on your loved ones. Don't let the adversary have that pleasure. Never, ever give up. When it comes to our loved ones, there is no "right" time to give up!

Mistakes! We've all made them. Some mistakes are easily corrected, others can take quite a lot of time and effort to fix. I've made my share of mistakes. I will probably make a few more before my time on this earth is through. Big or small, I can honestly say that I've learned from my mistakes. They've made me a better person, a better mother and wife. My mistakes and my journey to overcome those mistakes are as much a part of me as any other attribute that makes me - me.

But what happens when our children make mistakes? Are we as patient or as understanding? Do we forgive? Do we look at it as an opportunity for them to grow, or do we only see the looks that we imagine our neighbors and friends are giving us? Do we view it as a reflection of our abilities (or lack thereof) as parents? Are we somehow threatened by our children's mistakes because of the way it might make us look?

One of the hardest things a parent has to do is watch their children make mistakes. It is hard to stand by and watch your child make bad choices. It's even harder to watch them suffer the consequences of those poor choices.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are taught that each of us is given the gift of agency. Agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much that he allowed us to choose.

And now remember, remember, my brethren, that whosoever perisheth, perisheth unto himself; and whosoever doeth iniquity, doeth it unto himself; for behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free.
He hath given unto you that ye might know good from evil, and he hath given unto you that ye might choose life or death; and ye can do good and be restored unto that which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil, and have that which is evil restored unto you. (Helaman 14:30-31)

He will not force us to obey Him and follow His will. Instead, He gave us the freedom to choose for ourselves. Knowing the pain I feel when I watch my children make mistakes, I can imagine how much more our Heavenly Father hurts when we make mistakes. Yet, as a loving Heavenly Father, His way is not to force, but to guide, to forgive, and to give us chances over and over again.

Can we do any less for our own children? Yes, we'd rather they didn't make some of the mistakes they made. Yes, we wish they had made smarter, better, worthier choices than they made. Yes, we hurt, we're disappointed, sometimes we're even angry. But now is not the time for "I told you so" speeches. Now is the time for love, an outpouring of unconditional love.

As a mother, I need to trust that I've raised my sons the best way I know how. I need to remember that I've taught them the word of God. I need to remember that I've tried in every way I know how, to instill in them a love for everything that is good, virtuous, and praiseworthy. Then, I need to stand back and allow them to exercise their agencies. I will always guide, counsel, and advise, but in the end, it is up to them. I need to acknowledge that they too will make their share of mistakes. When (not if) they fall, I will be there to help them pick up the pieces. When they fall, I will be there to help them find their way back. When they fall, I will forgive them.

President Howard W. Hunter, 14th President of the Church, taught:

To fully understand this gift of agency and its inestimable worth, it is imperative that we understand that God’s chief way of acting is by persuasion and patience and long-suffering, not by coercion and stark confrontation. He acts by gentle solicitation and by sweet enticement. He always acts with unfailing respect for the freedom and independence that we possess. He wants to help us and pleads for the chance to assist us, but he will not do so in violation of our agency. He loves us too much to do that, and doing so would run counter to his divine character.

Given the freedom to choose, we may, in fact, make wrong choices, bad choices, hurtful choices. And sometimes we do just that, but that is where the mission and mercy of Jesus Christ comes into full force and glory. He has taken upon himself the burden of all the world’s risk. He has provided a mediating atonement for the wrong choices we make. He is our advocate with the Father and has paid, in advance, for the faults and foolishness we often see in the exercise of our freedom. We must accept his gift, repent of those mistakes, and follow his commandments in order to take full advantage of this redemption. The offer is always there; the way is always open. We can always, even in our darkest hour and most disastrous errors, look to the Son of God and live.

Don't you just love that? There aren't enough words to express how grateful I am for the gift of the Atonement.

I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and for His gift of Agency. The knowledge that He trusts me so much that He allows me to choose gives me the courage to pick myself up when I've made mistakes. I'm so grateful for a Church that teaches us about the wonderful principle of Agency. I'm thankful because I know that this gift is available to my children as well. It is available to all of us.

This, and other teachings of the Church, gives me eternal hope. I have hope that, whatever mistakes my sons may make, they will make it right. I have hope that when they do mistakes, they will remember that their Heavenly Father will forgive them if they sincerely repent of those mistakes. I have hope that when they fall, they will pick themselves up and try again. I have hope that when they fall, they will learn and grow and become better men because they corrected and overcame their mistakes.

Families, can't live with them, don't want to live without them!

Isn't it funny how the ones that we love the most can also be the ones that make us the maddest? It seems to me that the ones that I love the most can push all my buttons the wrong way. Probably because they know all the right buttons to push. Of course by saying this, I'm fully aware that the ones who love me the most can say the exact same thing about me.

My extended family is pretty normal, at least we like to think we're mostly normal. We have our good times and our bad days. We have days when we all agree on the best course of action, and we have days when we absolutely know the right thing to do and everyone else is wrong. We have days when we just can't get enough of each other and we have those other days too. I'm sure your family isn't that different from mine. So what do we do when we don't see eye to eye with each other?

Well, if your family is like mine, we sulk and we vent to our spouses or to anyone else that will lend a sympathetic ear. We refuse to talk to the guilty party for a couple of days. Then we kiss and make up and we're one big happy family again. Well, we don't literally kiss and make up but you get the idea. My family is such a central part of my world, I really can't imagine a life without them. My extended family (parents, siblings, cousins, etc) is just as important to me as my own small family.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (sometimes known as the Mormon Church) values the "family." Our theology and our lifestyles in the Church are Christ-centered and family-centered. "Mormons place particularly strong emphasis on family as the basic unit of the Church and of society...There is also much focus on extended family, genealogy, and personal family history, providing young and old with a stronger sense of roots, identity, and belonging. The highest and most sacred ordinances of our faith relate to our families, both living and dead, and some of these ordinances take place in our temples." (Elder M. Russell Ballard, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles)

Adversity is everywhere. It's in our homes and families. Adversity, even the most minor examples, can damage relationships and destroy families. How do we ensure that the adversities that we face on a regular basis in our families doesn't lead to the destruction of these sacred relationships? I'm not talking about major trials and challenges. I'm referring to the simple every day occurrences that usually just annoy and irritate us. You know the kind of thing that can happen when someone says something that is completely innocent but taken the wrong way. Or when someone forgets to say something that should have been said or simply forgets (like a birthday). How do we stop such minor incidents from becoming full blown problems?

We do so by acknowledging that despite our differences and disagreements, we are all still part of a family. We apologize. We listen and we are listened to. We acknowledge the other point of view as valid and we expect that our point of view is acknowledged and respected as well. If we are lucky, we will also be counseled by a loving spouse or a dear friend who isn't afraid to point out how childish the whole argument is. If we are extremely lucky, we'll listen to the promptings of the Spirit and we will forgive the real or imagined slight and love the target of our wrath again.

Adversity can either break or strengthen us. It can do the same thing for a family. As part of Heavenly Father's plan of redemption, all people experience adversity during their lifetime. Trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness, and heartache are a difficult part of life, but with the help of the Lord they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress.

Through adversity, we can come to know the Lord as never before. It is during times of adversity, whether they be great or small, that we need to strive especially hard to remember the teachings of our Savior and to do as He would have done. "As we experience adversity in our own lives, let us, like Job, remain steadfast in our faith. Like Paul, let us seek to develop Christlike traits through our suffering. Like the Savior, let us learn obedience and meekly submit to our Heavenly Father’s will." (Elder Monte J Brough Of the Seventy)

I'm grateful for a Church that places such a strong emphasis on the value and importance of the family. I'm grateful that my Church teaches me all that it does about the importance of our relationships, not just with our immediate families, but with our extended families as well. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints helps me to put things in their proper perspective when it comes to families. It helps me to realize that despite all their flaws and imperfections, I love every person in this wonderful circle that is my extended family and I know they feel exactly the same about me!

At first, the day seemed quite uneventful. That is, until the event that I would let shape my day came to my attention. My darling four year old daughter walked into my office and announced that she had lost one of the earrings from a pair of earrings I had only put on her only three days earlier. These were not any ordinary earrings, but a pair of gold earrings that I had owned since I was a child, around the same age as she is now. I had put them on her for a Christmas show she was participating in, but they looked so cute on her, that I decided to keep them on her for a couple more days. It didn't occur to me to think about the impact it would have on me if she lost them until it actually happened. I was surprised then when I became so stricken with grief that I began to cry.

I know it sounds silly that I would attach so much sentimental value to a pair of earrings, but I had no idea that they would trigger such a reaction from me. Initially, I had a mini panic attack while I simultaneously tried to ask her calmly about where she first noticed they were gone. Somewhere inside my head I found humor in trying to tap into the accuracy of the minute details of a four year-olds' memory regarding a particular sequence of events. As if I could really place all my hopes on pinpointing the location of a single little earring on the same girl who likes to tell people she used to ride golden tigers through a forest on her way to her palace to see her three sisters. (She has one sibling...a brother.) Still, bless her heart, she tried her very best to recall into mind where she thought she felt it fall out of her ear. I wasn't upset with her, and tried very hard to make sure she didn't feel any repercussions from me while I experienced an inner freak out session.

Based on her recollections and the lack of any on my part for even noticing it was missing in the first place until it was too late, I had realized that there was virtually no hope of ever recovering my lost earring. Upon that realization, I called my husband to express my disheartenment. As I explained what happened, and as he shared his sympathies with me, tears began to well up in my eyes. I needed to get off the phone since I was at work, and couldn't afford to breakdown in front of the children where I work part-time as an Office Manager at a martial arts school. I remember taking a deep and heavy breath of acceptance, as I prayed for comfort to release me from this profound sense of loss I was experiencing. At the same time I was experiencing this profound moment, I also wondered why I felt so silly that I was so bothered over this material object. A few minutes later, my boss and good friend of mine came out of his office to express his sympathy for my loss as well. It was at that moment that I released the emotion that I was suppressing.

I went on and on to explain why those earrings were so sentimental to me. I told him that I had a habit of losing precious jewelry all my life (my late father's wedding ring, my mother's mothers ring, my baby bracelet, etc) and that what made these earrings so special was that I hadn't lost them yet, and that I wanted to pass them on to my daughter for her posterity. He joked with me and said that losing jewelry was another thing I had apparently passed on to my daughter. It garnered a good laugh through my tears. But I further explained that the pair of earrings was one of only literally a handful of items I still owned from my childhood that I had kept in hope of giving them to my own children. I have had those earrings for as long as I can remember, and they were given to me by my parents, while my father was still alive. For me, those earrings represented the only material association I had left for my daughter to link her to her grandfather, my father, who passed away long before she was born, when I was eighteen years old. The loss of those earrings was symbolic of the loss of my father all over again. I didn't realize that I had that much forgotten grief still stored up in my heart after all these years since his passing.

I am thankful that my friend (and boss) allowed me to express my emotions in the way that I did. I was allowed to go through a much needed mini grief process for emotions I had not completely dealt with. It helped me to recognize the true nature of the sense of loss that I was experiencing. Somehow, in my life, even knowing all that I know now about how families can be together forever since I became a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), I had been in a slumber about the eternal nature of my relationship with my own father. I had placed so much sentimental value on this temporary item of mortality to my own children that I had neglected the opportunity to teach them about the true legacy and lessons that my father's life and death brought into my life. Being able to work through this situation, my eyes were opened enough to be able to see the bigger picture.

This singular event of losing a simple earring helped me to reawaken what I had learned, in retrospect, after the death of my father ... to live life without regrets, without unfinished business, and to never leave words of love left unspoken. I have my own legacy to pass onto my children through the lessons I have learned since that time, and from the knowledge and wisdom I have gained from the gospel. Though my heart did ache for a miniscule moment in the span of eternity over the loss I had experienced, I was comforted instantly by the Spirit, and through the kindness of a friend.

I am grateful to Heavenly Father for the lesson I have learned. I can only attribute this to the faith that I had that there was a message in there for me somewhere. It is easy to hold on to the earthly treasures we attach sentimental value to, but what do we truly gain from them? We need to just be able to remember the sentiment behind the object, but to freely be willing to let go of the object. After all, we can't take them with us after we move on from this world.

...Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. (Job 1:21)

When we become slaves to our material possessions, and if they become lost, we are left feeling empty, and a little lost ourselves. We need to replace these objects with things of an everlasting nature, like the scriptures and the gospel of Jesus Christ, to fill us up and make us whole. We also need to bring what we have learned into action in our own lives, and seize every opportunity inasmuch as we are able to, before it is too late.

How fragile life, how certain death. We do not know when we will be required to leave this mortal existence. And so I ask, "What are we doing with today?" If we live only for tomorrow, we'll have a lot of empty yesterdays today. Have we been guilty of declaring, "I've been thinking about making some course corrections in my life. I plan to take the first step-tomorrow"? With such thinking, tomorrow is forever. Such tomorrows rarely come unless we do something about them today. (Thomas S. Monson, "Now Is the Time," Liahona, Jan 2002, 68-71

On my way home from work, I said another little prayer to Heavenly Father. I asked Him to help me to accept His will in the way that I had learned this lesson and for help to let go of any remaining lingering feelings of loss I was experiencing over the earrings I had held onto for the last thirty years of my life. As my children were heading up to bed, lo and behold, on the same stairway I had walked up and down all night was (and in plain sight) that previously lost earring.